When you realize you've made a mistake, make amends immediately. 
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 
~Dan Heist

[This post is dedicated to one of my family,
who owes quite a few people a huge apology for years now...]

Sorry" may be the hardest word, but sometimes it’s not enough.

Often people use lame apologies to manipulate others and get away scot free with reprehensible behaviour, which has not only hurt the other, but caused them loss and harm as well.

I’ve noticed that truly manipulative connivers often go into the act of getting their own way (be damned who they hurt in the process) – knowing that they can offer up a simpering apology of a few supposedly contrite words afterwards, and get away with their behaviour.

It’s pure bullsh-t.
And the people who do this need to be called out on it.

Randy Pausch  probably had the best approach to apologies I’ve seen. He leaves the conniving types very little place to run or hide.

In his Last Lecture ,  Randy said that a bad apology is worse than no apology.

He also said that the two worst types of apologies are:

• ‘I’m sorry you feel hurt by what I have done.’
  (You are not really wanting to put medicine on the wound)
• ‘I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize to me for what you’ve done.’
  (You are really wanting an apology and not offering one).

Randy’s view was that apologising is one of the most important skills to learn in our lives.  Giving a good apology strengthens relationships and heals wounds. Insincere apologies translate into insults.  When we do not apologize for things we have done wrong to people, it becomes an “infection” that festers in relationships and eventually kills them.

A stiff apology is a second insult.
Gilbert K. Chesterton

To my mind there are 2 key things about an apology –

• How you do it; and
• When you do it.

Regarding the How

The key thing when apologizing for when you screw up, is to focus on other people, not on yourself.

Per Randy Pausch, a good apology has 3 parts:

1. I’m sorry.
2. What I did was wrong. It was my fault.
3. How do I make it right. How do I make it better?

The last part tells about your sincerity. And whether you really will follow your apology through with meaningful action, to restore the balance and order of things.

• It’s the third part that people tend to forget….  Or compromise on. Or try minimise to suit themselves, not the party they offended.They apologise how "they" think it needs to be done - and don't bother to find out what the person they hurt will accept as apology enough.
• The person you hurt and are apologising to owes you nothing.
• Don't try barter your apology for some additional outcome for yourself. That is not an apology. It's just yet another attempt at manipulatingpeople to get your own way.

True remorse is never just a regret over consequence;
it is a regret over motive. 
~Mignon McLaughlin

Regarding the When

"Why must conversions always come so late? 
Why do people always apologize to corpses?”
David Brin

Something that really peeves me off about apologists is they feel that apologising whenever it suits them… i.e. whenever they are feeling up for it.... is ok.

Well, it’s not ok !

I guess they figure if they wait a while – the person they hurt and caused harm will have calmed down – or forgotten the detail of the original offence... and they will have to eat less crow.

When I see that someone is pulling that delay move – it actually peeves me off even more. I get incensed due to their approach of trying to “handle” me.

Someone using delay tactics as a way to minimise the issue, should hold onto their family jewels when approaching me with an apology – because the delay won’t have calmed me down. It only makes me more likely to turn their crown jewels into fine examples of Fabergé eggs.

I have got a point where if someone waits too long to apologise, I am simply not interested in hearing what they have to say. They can rot in hell. This is especially the case if what they have done has caused me harm and they haven't had the spine to fix it ASAP - so it doesn't negatively impact me.

• Apologise when you make the mistake. Fix it there and then. Anything less is nothing short of gross arrogance – which nullifies the underlying intent of an apology and makes it worthless anyway.
• Do whatever is necessary to restore the person to the position they would have been in without your cock-up. As quickly as possible. So everyone can get on with their lives.
• Don’t offer up weak excuses.
• Don't expect to be praised for fixing up something you shouldn't have screwed up to begin with.

"It seems that whatever we do is somehow beyond reproach
- murder, rape, drunk driving — as long as we go on a TV show and apologize."
Eric Stoltz

Lastly, there are those who do harm to others and refuse to acknowledge that they even need to apologise for it. I have no word for those high-handed, arrogant bustards. Best they stay out of my way – lest my steering wheel loses a bolt and I run them down on the pavement. Accidentally. By mistake. Which, naturally, I will apologise for. Afterwards.

P.S Even worse than unapologetic types are the types who say " Love means never having to say sorry." Oh please, you lame, spineless emo £$%^&......Go back to Planet Venus. This is planet Earth, ok! Even people who "love" each other dearly screw up sometimes & have to make amends, so the relationship doesn't go emotionally gangerous from it....